Love, Law, and Ledgers: A Professional’s Guide to Financial Unity in Marriage

Guest post by Lara Traum, Esq. (Roytberg Traum Law and Mediation, P.C.)

To join hearts is one thing. To join bank accounts? Quite another.

We who work in law – especially family and matrimonial law - often walk through the tangled aftermath of dreams deferred and vows dissolved. We are witnesses to love’s unmaking. And yet, perhaps more than most, we are also the quiet stewards of love’s beginnings, standing watch over the vulnerable beauty of intention as two people merge their lives.

For professionals, the idea of joining financial lives in marriage often brings not just romance, but risk. We are trained to assess, mitigate, and forecast. And when love enters the scene, it does so without regard for assets, tax brackets, or equity in LLCs. Yet this is precisely the moment for clarity (not to be confused with coldness). Because with clarity comes respect. And with respect comes trust.

As a New York mediator and collaborative attorney based in Queens – one of the world’s most dynamic, diverse, and legally complex places to marry or divorce – I offer this reflection to my colleagues about what we owe ourselves, and our clients, as we approach the tender and essential questions of love and money.

The Romance of Responsibility

Professionals often postpone marriage, not for lack of love, but for focus on career. By the time we say "I do," we may have built significant wealth, debt, or obligations. Student loans. Real estate. Partnership shares. International assets. Children from prior relationships. Business ventures bound by fiduciary duty. This is not cynical – it is real. And love, when it is true, welcomes reality.

As lawyers, we have the gift of understanding contracts, governance, and risk allocation. What if we viewed financial planning within marriage not as a shield from heartbreak, but as an act of intimate responsibility? As a poem of protection? The prenup, in this frame, is not a premonition of divorce – it is a love letter to the future. It says: “I see you. I honor what we’re building. And I want to keep us safe.”

Beyond the Prenup: Financial Intentions as Dialogue

Too often, conversations around joint finances happen late – after a move-in, a ring, or even after the wedding. But professionals understand the importance of intentional timing. The earlier we talk, the more transparent we can be.

Here are a few questions that I encourage couples – especially those with complex assets or cross-border considerations – to explore:

• What does financial security mean to each of us?

• How do our cultural or familial backgrounds shape our views on money?

• Will we combine everything, or maintain separate accounts with shared expenses?

• How do we handle gift-giving, inheritances, or family support expectations?

• Are we aligned on financial goals: home ownership, philanthropy, children’s education?

  
  

For professionals, these conversations also touch on lifestyle. Will both partners work full-time? Will one take a sabbatical for caregiving or further study? These decisions have ripple effects on equity, both emotional and financial.

Global Hearts, Global Laws: International Marriages

New York is a city of expatriates and global citizens. Many of our clients (and many of us) marry across borders. Love may not know geography, but the law certainly does. Each country carries its own marital property regime. Some default to community property (everything acquired during marriage is split 50/50), others to equitable distribution (like New York), and others to separation of property unless stated otherwise. For instance:

• A French-American couple may be subject to French community property rules unless a contrat de mariage states otherwise.

• A U.S. citizen marrying in Dubai may find Sharia law impacts spousal rights unless they deliberately opt into new civil frameworks.

• An Indian-American couple might find that family wealth is tied into Hindu Undivided Family (HUF) property, and that U.S. courts do not have jurisdiction.

Cross-border financial planning is not optional. It is essential. And ideally, international couples should consult a team: a U.S. matrimonial attorney, a foreign counsel familiar with domicile rules, and an accountant or financial planner with global expertise.

The Culture of Money: Competence with Compassion

Money is not just math. It is meaning. It carries the weight of family narratives, trauma, resilience, and belief. In some cultures, financial support for extended family is expected. In others, privacy and independence are paramount. For some, joint accounts symbolize trust. For others, financial autonomy is sacred.

As legal professionals, we must recognize our own cultural lenses…and set them aside. When helping others, we must ask not only, “What do the documents say?” but also, “What matters to this client, in this family, with this history?” When planning for ourselves while wearing rose-tinted love-goggles, the same nuanced realities apply.

For example, I once worked with a couple from two different traditions – one where the groom was expected to fund a home for his in-laws, and another where independence from parents was a rite of passage. There was no right or wrong. But without a guided conversation, their unspoken assumptions would have detonated later. A culturally competent mediator creates a space where those assumptions can surface early – before they calcify into conflict.

The Collaborative Path: More Than a Plan B

Many professionals instinctively view mediation and collaborative law as processes reserved for divorce. But they are also powerful tools for conflict prevention.

Collaborative prenuptial processes are gaining popularity. These bring both partners – together with their professional team – into a respectful, facilitated dialogue to create agreements about how finances, roles, and responsibilities will be shared. The result is not just a document: it’s a deeper understanding. And when relationships do face strain (as all do), that foundation makes it far more likely they will weather the storm or part amicably, without scorched-earth litigation.

Our Role: Models, Not Just Messengers

As professionals, we are trained to counsel others,  but we must also counsel ourselves. Are we modeling the kinds of intentional, values-driven relationships we wish for our clients? When we marry, do we bring our legal wisdom home? Do we initiate the hard conversations—not out of fear, but out of love?

And when our clients approach us – not in crisis, but in hope – do we meet them there? Can we shift our tone from adversarial to aspirational? Marriage is not a transaction. It is a tapestry. And like any tapestry, it is made strong by weaving intention into every thread.

Final Thoughts: Where Heart Meets Head

Let us be bold enough to speak openly about money in love. Let us be gentle enough to honor its emotion. And let us be wise enough to guide our clients (and ourselves)  toward relationships rooted in clarity, compassion, and choice.

We have the power to change the culture of marriage – not just by what we litigate, but by what we illuminate. With every financial conversation, every prenup drafted, every cross-cultural nuance respected, we stitch a stronger, more resilient kind of love.

Author’s Note: If you’re a professional considering marriage or supporting clients through this journey, I offer consultations and collaborative planning services tailored for high-achieving, cross-border, or culturally diverse relationships. Reach out to explore how legal clarity can become an act of love. laratraum@goodlawfirm.com ; www.goodlawfirm.com